37 Years On This Planet
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: July 7, 2009
and this is probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Crazy I know, but I truly feel like my life is actually starting to take some direction.
On the 4th I celebrated my 37th *GASP* birthday. I remember a time in my life where I could never imagine myself this old and here I am. Strangely though, I don’t feel like the decrepit dinosaur of a person I always pictures someone this age being.
So many wonderful things going on in my life these days. My Mom has been in good health lately, hoping that continues. Cullen and I have our annual trip to San Diego coming up. We leave on the 21st and don’t return until the 28th, this will be the longest trip we’ve made to San Diego and I can’t wait. If we are ever financially able to move, that’s where I’ll go. I absolutely cannot get enough. This year we’re rooming with another couple that have come to be some of my most favorite people in the world, so I’m very excited about that too.
Things are progressing with the adoption. We’re still waiting to get an update on Jackson and/or our Seeking Confirmation Letter from China. I’m growing more and more anxious, I know my son’s sweet little face, now I want to know him. I’m hungry for any new info China would be gracious enough to share with us until we can finally hold our sweet baby boy in our arms. I continue to pray that soon we’ll be surprised with an update or even better, our SCL.
I’m going through a phase in my life where I’m clearing out clutter. Many of my friends have told me I’m “nesting”. Which is kind of a cool feeling. I found myself over the weekend with this huge desire to clean clutter out of the house. We’re getting ready to have a garage sale. In the past I would have puttered around until it was just too late to get anything done. This time, I just went to town, threw away things I knew we didn’t need or knew were junk, am giving away items I think someone else specificially could use and the rest is being sold. I can’t wait.
I have decided as of today to rejoin Weight Watchers. I had much success on the program last year. Dropped 40 pounds and felt on top of the world, somewhere along the way, as with every weight loss attempt in my life, I lost my way. Gave up, started eating crap again. Ended up putting almost half of what I lost back on. So here I sit, still miserable, fat and disgusted with myself. I have to do better, not only for myself but for my husband and my son. They deserve that at the very least. So I am starting over. I’m not going to look back and be angry at my mess ups, I’m not going to wallow in the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. I’m looking forward. It’s the only way to go.
Carolina on my mind
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: June 18, 2009
So today Cullen and I are leaving to spend a week in the great state of North Carolina. This trip means so much to me on so many levels. First we’ll be heading to Charlotte, NC to attend the comic book convention HeroesCon. This will be our 3 year attending and although I’m not a big fan of the city of Charlotte, I do enjoy going to the convention. Cullen has some wonderful friends in the comic book industry and they’ve always made me feel just as welcome. (with the exception of one, but, we won’t go there.) I think my biggest complaint with Charlotte is the food available around the convention. We’ve had bad luck at different restaurants on both trips. I’m hoping the 3rd times a charm and we’ll have nothing but great service and great food this time. I’m really hoping Laura Samnee doesn’t order the bacon free grilled cheese sandwich again. Poor girl orderd one last year at a Shoneys we went too, they brought it out with bacon, she asked for a new sandwich, they brought her back the same sandwich with flecks of bacon still stuck in the cheese. It seriously was the worst service I’ve ever recieved in my life. But like I said this years going to be different, I have faith.
After the convention we’re headed to Broadway, NC to spend a few days with Cullen’s family. I have to say, I am so blessed, I have the best in laws in the world. I absolutely adore my Mother and Father in law. They’ve always made me feel right at home. I’m most excited that when we get to Broadway, we’re going to surprise Cullen’s parents with the news and very first pictures of their new grandson. We decided since we’re getting to his parents house on Father’s Day that we would frame pictures of Jackson and give them to his Dad for Father’s Day and surprise them both with the news. I can’t wait to share this with them. I know they’re going to be so excited.
Once we get back from NC I’ll share more info about Jackson here on my blog. I just didn’t want everyone else to know everything we know about Jackson until we had a chance to share all the news with all the grandparents. I can’t wait to share it here. He has some of the cutest little characteristics. We’re hoping for an update with new pictures sometime in the future. Hopefully the near future.
Until then, I think we have his pictures posted anywhere and everywhere we can. We’re so proud. He’s just perfect.
Well enough chattering, time to close this laptop up, pack it away and head to the east coast !!!!
We received our PA today!
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: June 11, 2009
Great news in the Bunn household today. We received an email from Tina with CHI and we received our Pre-Approval from China to adopt Jackson. We knew this was going to happen, we knew it would happen within a couple of weeks. It only took a little over a week to get it.
This couldn’t have come on a better day. I was disappointed that our adoption agency laid off our social worker. We’d been working with Christina since we started our homestudy in 2006. She’d been such a great source of support and knowledge for me. I was really sad to see her leaving. Her last day was supposed to have been Friday, I was looking forward to a “formal” goodbye. Had been planning to send her flowers or something along those lines. We recieved an email after close of business last night saying that it had been her last day of work.
So this morning I was feeling better about it, but still kind of sad, only to receive the email from Tina. They are working getting an update on Jackson for us, but said they cannot promise they will get one, and if get one they’ll email it to us. I feel optimistic that we will get an update. I can’t wait to see new pictures of my little man.
Until then, we wait and we get things ready for our little guy so that we’re ready when he gets there. We’re still hoping to travel in September or October to get him. I could be wrong, it could be longer, then again, it could be sooner.
All I know is, we have our Pre-Approval from China. Next we’ll be waiting for our Seeking Confirmation Letter. No telling how long it will take to receive that, but I do know of other families who have gotten their SCL’s in a little over a month. So with our luck, we’ll get our SCL while we’re in San Diego on vacation or something. We’ll figure it out if that happens. Nothing is going to hold up this process!!
Good Things Do Come To Those Who Wait
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: June 7, 2009
It’s been way to long since I posted, and I have so much good news to share.
You wonder for so long why things are the way they are, you hear so many people tell you, “it will happen when it’s meant to happen” and you spend so many nights laying in bed wondering what you did so wrong that God would punish you with such a grueling wait to become parents.
Then it happens and just like that it really does all make sense.
About 3 weeks ago Cullen and I were sitting at work on a Thursday morning and he called me and asked, “Did you see the little guy in the email Children’s Hope sends out?” Half the time Cullen doesn’t even get the emails from CHI and when he does, he never calls me about it. So I logged on and saw the cutest little boy up for adoption on the Special Needs waiting list. We quickly decided we wanted him, called our social worker, she said he was still available and that we needed to start making phone calls to find a Dr to review his files. We were so excited, Cullen immediately called our Dr’s office. Only to get a call 2 mins later from our social worker that another family with another adoption agency had locked him profile. They had 48 hours to review his files, if they declined his referral we would have a chance. So we knew in our hearts the other family would accept him. He was such a precious little guy. They did end up accepting his referral. I was so happy and so sad all at the same time. Happy that he had found his family but sad that it wasn’t with us.
At that point, we had not officially been added to the Waiting Children’s list with our agency. In the past few years Cullen and I had occasionally looked at the list of children up for adoption through our agency who had special needs but had never found the one we thought was meant to be ours.
With the special needs list, there are two ways our agency can get referrals for families. The CCAA sends our referrals to multiple agencies and the the CCAA also sends referrals exclusively to our agency. If you’re on the special needs waiting list, you give the agency a list of the special needs you are able to parents, they put you on the list in order of receipt. If they find a baby for you on the multiple agency list, they will immediately lock their profile so no other agencies and review that file, and you have 48 hours to accept or decline the referral. If it’s a referral thats sent directly to the agency, then they have that children’s profile for a certain amount of time, usually for several months. If they find a family to match the baby with, perfect, if not, then they send the referral back to China.
Our social worker Christina told me that our wait probably wouldn’t be to terribly long since we had decided that we were open to a referral for a boy. Many of the family only want referrals for a girl. She told us she didn’t think our wait would be very long.
She was right.
Tuesday June 2nd is a day I will never forget. It’s the day I became someone’s Mommy.
I was sitting at work about 8:30 in the morning. My friend Lisa was sitting with me. Something we do almost daily, sit in my office and chat about the previous evening’s happenings. The phone rang and it was our social worker Christina. She had locked the profile of a 1 year old baby boy for us the previous night. She told me he had just turned one on May 18th and that he was born with a cleft lip and cleft palate. She told me she would be sending me over his information right away and to watch my email. I just sat there in disbelief waiting for the email to come through.
I remember when seeing the email pop up and thinking, OMG this is Cindy, you’re life is never going to be the same. My friend Lisa was such a sweetheart, she backed away from my office and said, “No I don’t want to see the pictures before Cullen does” She was going to leave my office and for whatever reason I was so nervous I said, “No don’t leave me!” So she stayed, but she backed away from the computer so she didn’t see the photos. I remember opening his records and reading all his info and I remember wanting to savor that first moment of seeing my son for the first time. Then, it happened, I opened the Chinese profile that had the photos in it, and I slowly scrolled down, and the first thing I saw was his precious dark eyes and I was in love. That’s all it took. I kept scrolling and what I saw before me was the most absolutely beautiful baby boy I had ever seen in my entire life.
In that moment, Roman Jackson Bunn was born. I quickly called Cullen on his cell, he was just getting to work. When he answered his phone I said, “what’s up Dad?!” He said, “huh what?” I said yep, get to your computer and check your email I’m sending you his info, it’s a boy!” We hung up and he called right back as soon as he had his profile opened. We were both in love.
So I quickly emailed Christina back and told her we were in love! We went through all the steps to get his medical records reviewed by a pediatrician and Cullen spoke with a plastic surgeon’s office and we verified that my insurance would cover his surgery and that was all it took, he was ours.
So here he is boys and girls….. Roman Jackson Bunn. Or as he’ll be known by, Jackson.
![Jackson1[1] (2)](http://cindybunn.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/jackson11-21.jpg?w=259&h=300 "Jackson1[1] (2)")
![Jackson2[1] (2)](http://cindybunn.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/jackson21-21.jpg?w=300&h=297 "Jackson2[1] (2)")
![Jackson3[1] (2)](http://cindybunn.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/jackson31-21.jpg?w=300&h=186 "Jackson3[1] (2)")
We are head over heels in love with our little man. I have so much hope and promise for him. I will write more about him later, I’m sure I will drive everyone crazy talking about Jackson, but I can’t help it.
I am finally someone’s Mommy. I look at his picture and think to myself how absolutely beautiful he is and then I remind myself that that beautiful little boy is our SON. I have a son.
So after 5 years of waiting to be someone’s Mom, I finally am.
So now it all becomes clear to me. We clearly were meant to have a son first. Seeing him makes it all so understandable to me. We were never meant to have a daughter first, it was always meant to be Jackson as our first child.
Katie is still very much a reality for us. She will be our second child. We will make certain of that. (We have to, what else are we going to do with all the pink we’ve bought over the past 3 years!?) As soon as China will allow us to submit another dossier for adoption, we will.
In the meantime I am going to love every moment of my precious little man.
I still can’t believe it, we’re finally parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time Flies Even When You’re Not Having Fun
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: March 15, 2009
I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve written in my blog. So much has happened, not much of it good. I’m so tired of the bad luck that surrounds me, especially the bad luck that’s self induced.
After my last post in January, my Mom was hospitalized twice in less than a month for a bad kidney infection. The first time, we almost lost her, she had developed sepsis and her vital organs were failing. She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks that time, then less than 2 weeks later she was back in the hospital again for the same thing. Only this time it was caught much earlier so it was easier to treat. The Dr told me after the last hospitalization that I should start “preparing” myself, that this is going to continue to happen. She’s been doing ok for the most part, she’s still dealing with minor kidney infections but we’ve been staying on top of things so we’re able to keep her from going septic, at least for now. I’m so scared, I just can’t even imagine my world without my Mom in it.
********************DISCLAIMER, FOLLOWING SECTION NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACH**********************
I had minor “surgery” on my big toe on both of my feet. For as long as I can remember I’ve had horrible trouble with ingrown toenails on both feet. Unless you’ve dealt with it, you just don’t understand. I walked around in a constant state of “watch my toes, don’t bump or stub my toes and God forbid someone step on them”. It was awful. If I could get to the nail and get it out, I was usually good for at least 2-3 weeks and then it would start again. Well the last time I had to dig one out, it got infected, and I ended up swallowing my pride (because I’ve always been embarrassed by having ingrown toenails) and I called my Dr, who immediately referred me to a podiatrist. The podiastrist was awesome and gave me 2 options, he could clean it out, give me antibiotics and send me on my way, or he could do a quick, in office procedure where he would numb the toe and basically cut the outer edges of the toenail off and kill the root so that the nail wouldn’t grow back. So I opted for the second, as long as I had been suffering, I needed permanent relief. I asked him, if he could do both big toes since I have issues with both, he said sure no problem.
Can I just say, I’m glad I had the procedure, I’m so excited to never have to worry about ingrown toenails ever again, but, would I go through that procedure again, not a chance. As crazy as it sounds, I would recommend this procedure to anyone who’s been dealing with ingrown toenails for any amount of time, however, I don’t know if I’m brave enough to have to go through it again. The procedure itself wasn’t so horrible, but the numbing up of my toes, YIKES!
******************YUCKY STUFF OVER*********************
In other news, my brother may be moving back to the St. Louis area later this year. I know I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m really dreading the thought of him moving back here. He’s currently stationed at Camp Lejune, NC. but there is a spot opening up for a Navy Corpmen at Scott Air Force Base, IL. Which is only about 45 mins away from where we are. In a way, I think it would be great to have him back, but my thoughts are purely selfish. I think about how it would be easier for me when I go on vacation, I am the only visitor who ever really goes to see my Mom, except for the token visits on birthdays, and holidays and special requests, I’m all she’s got. This always makes me feel guilty about going on vacation, that I’m leaving her with noone, so the idea of Mark being around does make me feel better. However, my brother and I have always had a very rocky relationship, and I just don’t know how this will play out. As it is, when he comes into town, I am in a constant state of turmoil, the last time I actually developed an ulcer. So the idea of living that way 24/7, not so fun.
The adoption is still moving forward, unfortunately not a very speedy pace. Currently we still have about 15-16 months to wait, but we know that wait time is going to continue to increase too. They’re still matching babies with families who’ve been waiting since March 7, 2006. I know of one family who has been waiting since April of 2006 and they’re telling her that she shouldn’t expect a referral before January of 2010. Almost 4 years of waiting for them. Soooooo I anticipate our wait is barely half over and as of March 29th, we will have officially been waiting for 2 years.
So you would think this is a great time for me to focus on myself for a bit, lose weight and get my life and my health in order. So why am I not doing that????
Yet again, this thick chick has fallen off the weight loss wagon, and apparently this time she just sat on her fat ass and let the wagon roll on ahead without her. I hate the way I feel about myself. So why don’t I do something about it.
Well I’m really going to try to refocus and get my momentum back. I plan on going back to Curves starting tomorrow evening and working out at least 3 days a week. I’m going to start tracking my food intake on my Weight Watchers etools and I’m hopefully going to get the scale moving in the right direction again. I had said I wanted to lose 37 pounds by my 37th birthday, which is July 4th.
It’s going to be tough, but I really think I can do it.
Patience, it’s not for everyone
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: January 9, 2009
It’s not everyday that you have the opportunity to celebrate and curse patience on the same day. At least not for me. In fact, it’s a very rare thing for me to even have patience so to be able to celebrate it, that’s a very big deal for me.
Almost 2 months ago, I was diagnosed with Piriformis Syndrome, was in A LOT of pain and was desperate for any relief the Dr. could offer. My Dr. suggested physical therapy and I quickly agreed. I had never had physical therapy before so I was very nervous about it, having heard the horror stories of others who’s endured the grueling pain of it. I just knew I needed help with my hip and if there was a way to relieve that pain, I was going to at least give it a try.
So I started attending sessions, my Dr. prescribed 12 sessions so I decided on 2 visits per week for 6 weeks.
Anyone close to me knows I have a VERY hard time with following through on anything. When something becomes to hard or inconvenient or boring, I give up on it rather quickly. So when I started struggling with going to these therapy sessions halfway through treatment, it was only a matter of time before I just stopped going.
Only this time I didn’t. The therapy relieved my pain within a few visits and the rest of the visits were to build strength and range of motion back in that hip and leg. Many visits I found myself saying, why am I still coming. This is stupid. Yet I kept going.
As of today I graduated from therapy, complete with a little “degree”.
I am fully aware of how pathetic this probably makes me look being proud of myself for attending all of my therapy appointments, but this isn’t so much about the therapy as much as it is that I saw something through to the end. I completed the task, even though it wasn’t interesting to me, or fun for me. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t hate the place I went for my therapy, my therapist Sarah was awesome and we always chatted while we were doing the work on me. I really liked the receptionist Debbie too. We both have crazy mad love for our dogs so we were always chatting about them. Believe it or not, I’m actually a little sad to not be seeing them anymore.
However I am so proud of myself for having seen this through to the end. For once I started a project and finished it!
Unfortunately, my day is not without impatience issues. My Mom is sick again. Another Urinary Tract Infection. She’s had these countless times before, but this one really seems to have grabbed ahold of her this time and they’re having trouble treating it. She’s not eating, she feels crummy and is running a low grade fever. The only thing that gives me hope is that the antibiotic they have her on is only given once a day and she gets them in the evenings, so when I saw her today she had only had one dose and that was yesterday. So I’m hoping maybe she just hasn’t had enough time for the antibiotic to kick in and start kicking this infection in the butt. The nurse did mention to me tonight that if she doesn’t start showing improvement in the next day or so she could see the Dr. having my Mom admitted to the hospital. Which I’m not so unsure isn’t a good idea.
I always worry about my Mom getting UTI’s. She’s had so many of them that her body has built up a resistance to alot of the more common antibiotics that most people would take to treat the infections. At some point there is a good chance they will run out of antibiotics that can treat her infections.
So of course I’m always reminded of my Uncle Eugene. He died September 30, 1992. He was only 31 years old. He had had chronic kidney infections for many, many years, and ultimately he ended up getting a UTI that the medicines just couldn’t treat, the infection got into his blood stream, he turned septic and eventually my Mom had to make the horrible decision to have his life support turned off and we lost him less than 30 mins after that. So everytime my Mom gets an UTI I’m left with jolt of panic that runs through me worrying, is she going to end up like Uncle Eugene?
Unfortunately all I can do is pray, hope and wait. This is going to be a loooong weekend. I just want her better. Plain and simple. She’s been my best friend my whole life. Losing her would, well I just can’t even think about it. I know eventually that day will come, and thank God I have Cullen by my side. So I know that no matter what I’ll be ok, but still, I want her better!
So, hopefully in the next couple of days this patience will have paid off and I’ll be happy to report that she’s on the mend.
Until then, good thoughts, prayers and kind words are welcome and appreciated.
Happy New Year
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: January 2, 2009
Well it’s official 2009 has begun. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this excited to start a year.
Cullen and I had a wonderful New Years Eve. We didn’t do much. We both got off work early that day, went out to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, each had a monster margarita and a great meal. Went home, vegged out. Rang in the new year with Dick Clark.
Then Cullen put on his new Bob Marley cd, I’ve never really listened to Bob Marley. I’ve never disliked him he’s just never been a musician that peaked my interest. I realize I should be ashamed about that.
Cullen turned on a song called “Three Little Birds”. This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this song, but it was the first time I listened to it. Great song. So as 2009 began, there stood Cullen, Chompers and me dancing around the living room to Bob Marley. I have a feeling a new tradition was born that night.
Yesterday was a great day, very relaxed. Unfortunately I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather. Just achy and blah. So I didn’t do a whole lot yesterday, however we did venture out for a little while to do some shopping. We went to Borders and one of the first things I found while we were there was a baby book for adoption. I tell you how excited I was to find that. The bonus was that it was on sale, marked down from 16.95 to 5.99.
Afterwards, we grabbed a couple of sandwiches from Subway and made our way home. Laid around the rest of the evening.
Today I’m back at work, but I think we must be the only people on the planet who are working today. It’s been so slow.
I’ve never been one to make resolutions at the New Year. Whether its a cop out for me or not, I always tell people, Noone ever keeps resolutions, so why set yourself up for failure right at the start of the year?
Truth be told, I do have many things I want to accomplish this year but I refuse to acknowledge them at NY resolutions.
I want to learn to speak Chinese, I don’t expect to be able to speak it fluently, but I do want to learn even just a few key phrases and words. I’m looking into taking a class through the community college in the spring.
I want to continue on my weight loss journey, wherever it takes me. I’ve been contemplating having surgery to assist me with it, but we’ll see how that plays out. I’m just tired of the struggle and apparently the fact that I’m killing myself just isn’t enough to keep me on the right path. I’m trying, I really am, but sometimes I think surgery is the answer for me.
I just know I want to be healthy and thinner by the time we goto China to get Katie. I don’t want to be the fat Mom who’s winded just from walking 2 blocks or chasing Katie around the yard.
I plan on spending much of 2009 getting ready for Katie to come home. Decorating her room, buying her furniture.
2009 is going to be a wonderful year for Cullen and I. We may not get to bring Katie home in 2009, but we’ll be gearing up to bring her home early in 2010.
So here’s to the year of Katie Bunn !!! It’s all about her, and she’s not even here yet.
Happy Birthday Dad
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: December 9, 2008
Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 59 years old. It just doesn’t seem possible that he’s been gone for 5 years already. I could possibly still miss him this much after 5 years could I? Yes of course I can.
While I was growing up, I didn’t have a relationship with my Dad. We fought 99% of the time and the other 1% I basically spent avoiding. My Dad was not an easy man to get along with, much less live with. Growing up, I just thought he was a mean, control freak and thats why we butted heads so much. As an adult I see that we disagreed so often because we’re cut from the same cloth. Way to many similarities to not clash.
I didn’t develop a relationship with my Dad until December of 2001. Even though he had been diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy about 4 years prior to that. I had still kept him at a distance. It just felt easier to me.
My mother had a stroke in 2001 that left her paralyzed on her left side. On that very day, not knowing how things were going to go with my Mom, we were terrified we were losing our best friend. Having moved back in with my parents after a failed relationship had ended, I had been living with my parents for a few months when my Mom had her stroke. So when that happened, our house became a very quiet, very lonely place for me to be.
In the weeks and months ahead, my father and I began to talk more. I’d come in at the end of a day and he’d ask how my day was, something he’d never done before in my life, and so when he asked I sat down and told him. We developed a relationship, something we hadn’t had in the previous 29 years of my life. I remember for Valentines Day, I gave him a card, and I remember I wrote a note in it that said that while I hated the fact that Mom had had her stroke, if anything good could come from that situation that I was always going to be thankful that I finally felt like I knew my Dad.
Our relationship was not without it’s ups and downs after that. We argued, sometimes he was right, sometimes I was right, but we always got through those rough times.
In December of 2002, my father had a massive heart attack and needed a quadruple bypass. He made it through the surgery but he just never recovered from there. He spent the next 11 months of his life at home, my Mom in a nursing home and me traveling almost daily from work to his house to my Mom’s house then home to Cullen. I was exhausted and spent many nights feeling bitter and resentful that neither of them were healthy enough and that so much had been laid on my shoulders.
My father and I developed a really strong and close relationship though during the last 11 months of his life. When I would goto his house, we would sit and talk. I called him every single day to check in and see how he was doing, see if he needed anything. Sometimes we’d be on the phone for an hour or more.
When I lost my Dad, I lost a friend too. I didn’t see it at the time, but I did.
I feel ripped off, I should have had more time to get to build on our relationship and enjoy and be thankful for him.
My Dad might have been a hard man, but he was a good man. He worked everyday of his life and always strived to make a better life for my Mom, my brother and me. Until the day he died he was always someone I could count on in my life, even if he was mad at me, I always knew if I ever needed him, he would always be there. He was my car mechanic, he was my fix it guy and he was my know it all. If I needed a question answered, he was the man.
I miss him so much. My heart is so heavy and aches so much. Every girl needs her Dad, I don’t care how old you are, you always want to be Daddy’s girl. I just wish I had realized that earlier in life so I could have had more years appreciating that.
I feel very good about the time I did have with my Dad. At least the last couple of years with him.
I don’t blame myself for the distance that was between us while I was growing up. He was as much to blame as I was, so I don’t carry too much guilt. I am so grateful that I did have the opportunity to get to know him.
I am always going to miss you Dad. Everytime my car makes a noise or my computer acts up, or I want to buy a car, I think of you. I still have days where I’m sitting at my desk and I’ll stop and think, I wish I could call you right now and hear your voice.
I love you so much, and I miss you more than you can ever know. I hope I’ve made you proud and I hope you feel like I’ve done alright by Mom too. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and think of you.
Happy Birthday Dad.
God is Good
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: December 7, 2008
For most of my life I had very minimal exposure to God and religion. My father was raised Jewish, my mother was raised Lutheran. My father couldn’t afford to send my brother and I to Hebrew school and was angry with that, and so we never went to Jewish Temple, yet my father didn’t want us raised to believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior.
I never knew what to believe, we celebrated Hannukah and Christmas in our households, but Christmas was always about Santa and Christmas Trees and gifts, for us it never had anything to do with the birth of Jesus.
I’m still in a very wierd place in my life, I believe in God, but that’s all I was ever brought up to believe in. I believe in Jesus, but I don’t know much about him other than the basics. So I still get nervous. I don’t know why, but I do.
I always grew up feeling as though I missed out on something by not having a relationship with God. In my adult life, I’ve always tried to be the best person I could be, believing that someday I’ll figure it all out.
I have to admit that I have never had as close of a relationship with God as I have since we started our adoption process. I do believe there are signs and God does speak to us, if we listen and look.
When Cullen and I started our adoption process we were broke, plain and simple, robbing peter to pay paul and always struggling financially, yet we both knew adoption was what we wanted. I remember I prayed silently on the way to our very first informational meeting about adoption and by the time that meeting was over, we knew we were adopting from China. There was just not question about it. It felt good to be so certain and I thanked God for making the path so clear to us.
Next came our dilemna of money, where were we going to come up with this money. Thankfully when you adopt, the money is not paid all at once, so we were able to figure things out, I prayed, A LOT. Someway, somehow, everytime we had a big amount of money that was going to need to be paid in the adoption, the money was always there. Whether it was a bonus from work, or a promotion or raise with retro pay. It was somehow always there. How could that not have been the work of God?
Cullen and I have been waiting for our daughter now for almost 21 months. Most of these months have flown by, but the holidays are always hard for me. I just want so badly to be a Mom and the holidays are always a reminder of what I’m not. I know I shouldn’t look at it that way, but I do. I’m very thankful for the wonderful husband I have. I’m thankful that I still have my Mom with me and we have a great relationship. I’m thankful for my dear friends who’ve been such a great source of support of us. I am never not in recognition of all the wonderful things God has provided me in my life.
However I can’t help but miss the one thing he hasn’t provided me yet.
Earlier this week I had a bit of meltdown. So many women I know are announcing their pregnancies right now, and it just made me jealous and sad. I’m so tired of watching everyone else become parents while we sit and wait patiently (or sometimes not so patiently).
I prayed to God Thursday night when I went to bed. To give me the peace and patience and grace to be grateful for the many gifts he has given me, and to be patient for the ones yet to come.
I woke up Friday morning feeling much better. Much happier and more at peace.
I went to work that day, I left early around 2:00. Cullen was doing a book signing at a nearby comic shop so I decided to surprise him and stop by on my way home. When I got there, we walked around the shop for a few mins and talked. For whatever reason I decided to check my email via my cell phone. I don’t do this very often, especially when I’m on my way home anyway, but I did that afternoon.
As I logged into my email I found a weekly update email from the director of the China program with Children’s Hope. I opened it to see if they had announced referrals for the month of December yet. Well they didn’t but what they did announce was that China had completed the processing and review of dossiers from March of 2007 and had moved on to April of 2007 families.
This is such a big deal for us. This means that China has officially approved us to adopt. If they had had any questions they would have asked right away and we would have heard, although we still have to wait for the agency to receive confirmation from the CCAA that all of their dossiers went through, I feel very confident that we’re ok.
It’s crazy how God communicated with us. I was at such a low point, even to the point of questioning whether we were on the right path or not, and then, there is it, like a billboard on the highway, the gentle nudging of the God to remind that, this is the path he picked out for us and we’re there, and he’s there and everything is going to be ok.
I have so much to look forward to in the months and years ahead. I can’t wait to share them with Cullen and with our soon to be daughter Katie, and I really can’t wait to share them with God.
God is Good.
News at Ten, 36 y/o woman throws temper tantrum.
Posted by: Cindy Bunn on: December 4, 2008
Overall I try not to be a very jealous person, or a spiteful person. I am human though and I do have my weak moments. Apparently I’m having one of those moments right this second.
I am so tired of watching everyone else’s dreams come true. I’m so tired of smiling big when another friend announces their pregnancy, or when a friends child does something really awesome and they want to brag.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I would NEVER ever not want to share in their good news or rejoice with them in happy moments with their children. I live for those moments.
All I’m asking for is a little piece of that action for myself.
When do I get to announce to the world I’m about to become a Mom. When do I get to send out cute invites to cute birthday parties and buy cute clothes for my kids and take a zillion pictures and post them anywhere and everywhere I can.
I say these things not to make my friends feel bad, or to even seem as though I’m poking fun. That is absolutely not my intention or point. Plain and simple, I want my moment to be able to do those very same things. I want to be just like them.
I belong to a message board that’s full of men and women. A lot of us have been chatting together for years, I’ve watched babies grow up, I’ve watched pregnancies develop, I’ve shared in both good and bad news. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.
About 18 months ago, there was a pregnancy surge on this board, several women announced pregnancies within a few weeks of one another. This was right after we had given up on getting pregnant and started our adoption process. Yes it bummed me out to see them getting exactly what I had always wanted, but how could I fault them or be bitter. It wasn’t their fault that my body had failed me.
Well now there is apparently another pregnancy surge starting on the board. In the last few weeks there’s been at least 4-5 women announce their pregnancies.
Again, while I couldn’t possibly be any happier for all of them, I can’t help but feel a little bit jealous.
I want to be a Mom, my whole life that is ALL I have ever wanted. Why, is God making this such a difficult journey for me? I just can’t believe that motherhood is not a part of God’s plan for me. I just refuse to believe that.
I’m so tired of wishing and waiting. I’m tired of wondering and being envious and jealous and most of all of being sad.
Damn it, I want my moment.
