Overall I try not to be a very jealous person, or a spiteful person. I am human though and I do have my weak moments. Apparently I’m having one of those moments right this second.

I am so tired of watching everyone else’s dreams come true. I’m so tired of smiling big when another friend announces their pregnancy, or when a friends child does something really awesome and they want to brag.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I would NEVER ever not want to share in their good news or rejoice with them in happy moments with their children. I live for those moments.

All I’m asking for is a little piece of that action for myself.

When do I get to announce to the world I’m about to become a Mom. When do I get to send out cute invites to cute birthday parties and buy cute clothes for my kids and take a zillion pictures and post them anywhere and everywhere I can.

I say these things not to make my friends feel bad, or to even seem as though I’m poking fun. That is absolutely not my intention or point.  Plain and simple, I want my moment to be able to do those very same things. I want to be just like them.

I belong to a message board that’s full of men and women. A lot of us have been chatting together for years, I’ve watched babies grow up, I’ve watched pregnancies develop, I’ve shared in both good and bad news. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. 

About 18 months ago, there was a pregnancy surge on this board, several women announced pregnancies within a few weeks of one another.  This was right after we had given up on getting pregnant and started our adoption process. Yes it bummed me out to see them getting exactly what I had always wanted, but how could I fault them or be bitter.  It wasn’t their fault that my body had failed me.

Well now there is apparently another pregnancy surge starting on the board. In the last few weeks there’s been at least 4-5 women announce their pregnancies.

Again, while I couldn’t possibly be any happier for all of them, I can’t help but feel a little bit jealous.

I want to be a Mom, my whole life that is ALL I have ever wanted.  Why, is God making this such a difficult journey for me? I just can’t believe that motherhood is not a part of God’s plan for me.  I just refuse to believe that.

I’m so tired of wishing and waiting. I’m tired of wondering and being envious and jealous and most of all of being sad.

Damn it, I want my moment.