Today would have been my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 59 years old.  It just doesn’t seem possible that he’s been gone for 5 years already.  I could possibly still miss him this much after 5 years could I? Yes of course I can.

While I was growing up, I didn’t have a relationship with my Dad.  We fought 99% of the time and the other 1% I basically spent avoiding. My Dad was not an easy man to get along with, much less live with.  Growing up, I just thought he was a mean, control freak and thats why we butted heads so much. As an adult I see that we disagreed so often because we’re cut from the same cloth.  Way to many similarities to not clash.

I didn’t develop a relationship with my Dad until December of 2001.  Even though he had been diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy about 4 years prior to that.  I had still kept him at a distance.  It just felt easier to me.

My mother had a stroke in 2001 that left her paralyzed on her left side. On that very day, not knowing how things were going to go with my Mom, we were terrified we were losing our best friend.   Having moved back in with my parents after a failed relationship had ended, I had been living with my parents for a few months when my Mom had her stroke.  So when that happened, our house became a very quiet, very lonely place for me to be.

In the weeks and months ahead, my father and I began to talk more. I’d come in at the end of a day and he’d ask how my day was, something he’d never done before in my life, and so when he asked I sat down and told him.  We developed a relationship, something we hadn’t had in the previous 29 years of my life.  I remember for Valentines Day, I gave him a card, and I remember I wrote a note in it that said that while I hated the fact that Mom had had her stroke, if anything good could come from that situation that I was always going to be thankful that I finally felt like I knew my Dad. 

Our relationship was not without it’s ups and downs after that. We argued, sometimes he was right, sometimes I was right, but we always got through those rough times. 

In December of 2002, my father had a massive heart attack and needed a quadruple bypass.  He made it through the surgery but he just never recovered from there. He spent the next 11 months of his life at home, my Mom in a nursing home and me traveling almost daily from work to his house to my Mom’s house then home to Cullen.  I was exhausted and spent many nights feeling bitter and resentful that neither of them were healthy enough and that so much had been laid on my shoulders.

My father and I developed a really strong and close relationship though during the last 11 months of his life. When I would goto his house, we would sit and talk. I called him every single day to check in and see how he was doing, see if he needed anything.  Sometimes we’d be on the phone for an hour or more. 

When I lost my Dad, I lost a friend too. I didn’t see it at the time, but I did. 

I feel ripped off, I should have had more time to get to build on our relationship and enjoy and be thankful for him.

My Dad might have been a hard man, but he was a good man. He worked everyday of his life and always strived to make a better life for my Mom, my brother and me.  Until the day he died he was always someone I could count on in my life, even if he was mad at me, I always knew if I ever needed him, he would always be there.  He was my car mechanic, he was my fix it guy and he was my know it all. If I needed a question answered, he was the man.

I miss him so much. My heart is so heavy and aches so much. Every girl needs her Dad, I don’t care how old you are, you always want to be Daddy’s girl. I just wish I had realized that earlier in life so I could have had more years appreciating that.

I feel very good about the time I did have with my Dad.  At least the last couple of years with him. 

I don’t blame myself for the distance that was between us while I was growing up.  He was as much to blame as I was, so I don’t carry too much guilt.  I am so grateful that I did have the opportunity to get to know him.

I am always going to miss you Dad. Everytime my car makes a noise or my computer acts up, or I want to buy a car, I think of you. I still have days where I’m sitting at my desk and I’ll stop and think, I wish I could call you right now and hear your voice. 

I love you so much, and I miss you more than you can ever know. I hope I’ve made you proud and I hope you feel like I’ve done alright by Mom too.   There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and think of you. 

Happy Birthday Dad.