A Day In The Life of a Thick Chick!

Overall I try not to be a very jealous person, or a spiteful person. I am human though and I do have my weak moments. Apparently I’m having one of those moments right this second.

I am so tired of watching everyone else’s dreams come true. I’m so tired of smiling big when another friend announces their pregnancy, or when a friends child does something really awesome and they want to brag.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I would NEVER ever not want to share in their good news or rejoice with them in happy moments with their children. I live for those moments.

All I’m asking for is a little piece of that action for myself.

When do I get to announce to the world I’m about to become a Mom. When do I get to send out cute invites to cute birthday parties and buy cute clothes for my kids and take a zillion pictures and post them anywhere and everywhere I can.

I say these things not to make my friends feel bad, or to even seem as though I’m poking fun. That is absolutely not my intention or point.  Plain and simple, I want my moment to be able to do those very same things. I want to be just like them.

I belong to a message board that’s full of men and women. A lot of us have been chatting together for years, I’ve watched babies grow up, I’ve watched pregnancies develop, I’ve shared in both good and bad news. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. 

About 18 months ago, there was a pregnancy surge on this board, several women announced pregnancies within a few weeks of one another.  This was right after we had given up on getting pregnant and started our adoption process. Yes it bummed me out to see them getting exactly what I had always wanted, but how could I fault them or be bitter.  It wasn’t their fault that my body had failed me.

Well now there is apparently another pregnancy surge starting on the board. In the last few weeks there’s been at least 4-5 women announce their pregnancies.

Again, while I couldn’t possibly be any happier for all of them, I can’t help but feel a little bit jealous.

I want to be a Mom, my whole life that is ALL I have ever wanted.  Why, is God making this such a difficult journey for me? I just can’t believe that motherhood is not a part of God’s plan for me.  I just refuse to believe that.

I’m so tired of wishing and waiting. I’m tired of wondering and being envious and jealous and most of all of being sad.

Damn it, I want my moment.

I’ve been struggling with my weight my entire life.  I seem to go through spells with it, caring more about it most of the time, yet, finding myself neck deep in moments where I just can’t seem to care.

The past few months have been tough for me. I started losing weight on January 22nd.  I did great, lost 40 pounds and felt like I was on top of the world, then, for no reason, I seemed to lose my drive and motivation. Almost like a light switch that was on one day and off the next. Only when I tried to turn the light back on, apparently the bulb had burned out.

I struggled, yo-yo’d up and down for awhile, tried to find interest in walking and jogging, only to injure my hip.  I tried to let whatever it was heal on it’s own, but that ultimately resulted in a trip to the Dr. who then put me in physical therapy. Which is where I currently am. 

The crazy thing is though, that while I lost my momentum and motivation, I never lost the desire.  Somewhere burried in me was this need to keep losing weight. I want so badly to feel good about myself again.  I hate waking up everyday and looking in the mirror and all I see is fatness.  It’s disgusting to me and I can’t stand that I feel this way about myself.

I have such an awesome amount of support and love. I have a great Mom, who has always tried to motivate me, I have the worlds greatest husband, who has always loved me unconditionally and always been a huge amount of support and I have great friends who have always encouraged me to keep going.

I lost sight of the path I was on, and I let my hip injury excuse me from it.  However, even then, I missed working out.  I missed that natural high I got from making good choices and watching the scale go down. During this hip injury all I’ve thought about is, how soon can I get back on track.

While talking with my friend Karon last week, we both felt this huge desire to get back on track with our weight loss goals, we decided we would be eachother’s support and would each hold one another accountable for our weight loss and commiting to working out. Last week I got the ok from my physical therapist to try working out again.  She did tell me to avoid a few of the machines for now, but overall she felt I could definitely give it a try and see how it goes as long as I didn’t try to go overboard.  

So as Karon and I have penned it, Project Skinny Chics is in full force. We had both agreed our start date was Monday, December 1st.  I attend Weight Watchers meetings on Tuesday evenings, so while I’m starting over tomorrow, I’m not getting my official weigh in until Tuesday. I do expect a gain, hopefully not too much of one, but I know there will be one. I’m not beating myself up over this though, this is a brand new day and a brand new goal for me. 

I’ve also come to accept that I am addicted to food.  Food is truly a drug for me. It calms me when I’m mad or stressed out or angry, it hugs me when I’m sad, it shouts hurrah with me when I’m happy.  It’s time to recognize that, maybe even seek out some help if need be. 

There are so many things I want for myself, they are all well within my reach, I just have to fight for them.

Yesterday I went to get my hair done, I’ve been going to this stylist since February. She’s great, she’s funny and she always makes me laugh and feel good.  After she put the dye on my hair, she took me over to hot air blow dryers for me to sit under for a few mins. She asked me if I wanted a magazine, well I noticed there was a Shape magazine on the table next to me. So I said, no that’s ok there’s a magazine over here, she then said, “well that’s Shape, do you want to read Shape?” I said, yeah that’s fine.  I know she didn’t mean anything but it, but that really bummed me out. Why on earth would the fat girl want to read a fitness magazine? (maybe because I subscribe to it at home, it’s a great magazine especially for people trying to lose weight) 

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I don’t want to be the one that gets questioned for reading a fitness magazine, I don’t want to be that girl that’s sitting next to someone at a concert or on an airplane and you see the person seated next to you leaning as far away from you as possible, like there’s not enough room or that maybe your fatness is contagious.

I just want to be.  I’m not expecting to ever a supermodel, or even super skinny, I don’t expect that I’ll ever run a marathon, or even a half marathon.

What I do expect is that I can lose this weight, I can get to a healthy weight, I can be a great wife, and God willing, when the time comes, I can be a great Mother. Cullen and Katie both deserve that.

I’m not asking to be the girl who stands out in a crowd, I just want to disappear into the crowd, to not feel as though the eyes of the world are looking at me and judging me all my fatness.

I realize I have a long way to go, I have much to lose and much to learn in the process, but, I believe I can do it. 

So long sad, fat girl.

I can hardly believe it’s been seven years since Cullen and I had our very first date. 

I can still remember that date as though it happened yesterday.

I opted to drive out to Cullen’s apartment, in all honesty, it’s a control freak thing and I was so anxious I didn’t want to have to be sitting around the house waiting for him to arrive.  Besides, our plans were all taking place out in his neck of the woods and I didn’t mind driving. 

I arrived at his house around 7pm. I remember thinking how handsome he looked in his gray sweater and dress pants.  We went to a wonderful Italian restaurant called Arcobasso’s.  Which sadly is no longer in business.  We had to wait a little bit for our table, and we had a great time standing there chatting while we waited. I remember thinking, “Wow he is So easy to talk to, I feel so comfortable with him.” 

We had a great dinner, none of those wierd silent moments where you’re struggling for anything to say. I’ll never forget, the waiter brought our food and asked if we wanted parmesan cheese on our pasta’s, we both said yes and he pulled the parmesan cheese shaker out of his pocket. We both looked at eachother and wrinkled our nose. Crazy.  Pockets Of Cheese became our catch phrase.

After dinner we went to Dave and Busters and walked around and played games. Cullen won me a stuffed Kermit The Frog which is still proudly displayed in my office at home. 

After that we went back to Cullen’s apartment and settled in to listen to music, enjoy a glass of wine and eachother’s company.  (He was a perfect gentleman). 

Seven years has come and gone in the blink of an eye.  We’ve been through so much together. 

My Mother had her stroke not long after that. In fact we’d only been on 2 dates when she had her stroke.  I remember a few weeks later, the weight of everything was weighing heavy on me, and I was so worried that the most amazing man I had ever met was going to find me and all my baggage to be too much. Which I would have understood.  However I remember during a phone call confessing my fears to Cullen and in his quiet, calm voice he said to me, “You have nothing to worry about, I’m not going anywhere.”

And he didn’t. 

Cullen has been my rock, my shoulder to lean on and my best friend. I still am constantly amazed that someone as awesome as him actually found me worthy of his heart. 

We’ve celebrated many firsts together since our first date 7 years ago. Some good and some bad.  We have many, many more firsts to share together.  I am certain though, no matter what those first’s are, good or bad, we will share them together and they will make us better people and a better couple because of it.

Thank you Cullen for loving me.

Have you ever had one of those mornings that started out so horrible that you are seriously scared to see how much worse it could actually get. Well I’m having one of those days.

This morning started out like any other, except I felt extremely sleepy today. I did dream quite a bit last night and I remember a lot of it, so I must not have gotten very good sleep last night.  I complained to Cullen that I was really drowsy today. 

Every morning I get out our medicine for the day. Usually consists of vitamins, allergy meds, baby aspirin and my meds for my blood pressure and Cullen’s meds for his cholestrol.  It’s a pain so I have a little weekly pill holder and I seperate out our meds a week at a time. Then every morning when I make my breakfast, I get our meds out, split them up, give Cullen his and then take mine.  So this morning I’m splitting up our meds, I walk in and give Cullen his and I go back into the kitchen to take mine. I remembered I had popped my vitamin into my mouth as I had taken Cullen his meds. Well I looked down at the counter at “my meds” and there was a vitamin laying there. I thought, oh crap I forgot to give Cullen his vitamin, then I noticed his cholestrol pill was laying there. Where were my pills? Oh no… oh yes… I had given Cullen the wrong meds to take.

I immediately called out to Cullen and asked him if he’d taken them all ready. He had. 

I felt so terrible.  I have never even come close to making this horrible of a mistake until today. How could I have done that?

So far Cullen says he feels fine,  I’ve already warned him he’s going to hear from me a lot today.

Today is my husband’s birthday.  I love this day for so many reasons, some obvious and some not so obvious. 

Obviously I love this day because it celebrates the birth of the greatest man I’ve ever loved and known.   

Not so obvious to all is the fact that this day in history, 7 years ago, I met Cullen for the very first time. 

Although I have never been one to say that I believed in love at first sight,  I will say that from the moment I met Cullen, I knew he was going to be someone very significant in my life. I just felt it deep inside.

Cullen and I met through a dating website, Match.com to be exact.  We started exchanging emails in early/mid October of 2001.  We did the daily email flirting for a few weeks then decided to take the next leap, yes, we commited ourselves to making phone calls.  The first time I heard Cullen’s voice over the phone, my heart seriously did a flip. He sounded so cute. I remember he kept telling me how “jazzed” he was to finally be talking to me on the phone.  I remember thinking, I’ve never known anyone who used the word “jazzed”, but I liked that he did.  We talked on the phone for another week and then knew that his birthday was coming up.  He invited me to attend his party that was on his birthday. Being the gentlemen that he is, he extended the invite and told me I could bring someone with me if I’d like too. 

I knew Cullen was a good man, call it intuition, call it stupidity, call it brave.  I just knew going to that party was going to be ok.  Had I had any reservations I would have taken someone else along with me. However I did not.  I stepped completely out of my comfort zone and I did in fact attend his party by myself.

I remember the first time I saw Cullen, I was so nervous, I kept thinking, how could anyone this handsome actually be interested in me. 

I had a great time at his party, stealing little moments alone with him here and there.  I didn’t want to leave, I was just so enamoured with him. 

The next morning Cullen called me and asked me out for a date the following Saturday evening.  

I had never had a first date that I wasn’t nervous about, until I met Cullen. I just felt so comfortable with him.  I just knew he was good people.

Thank God for once in my life, I followed my gut instincts, I finally got something right. 

Cullen is the most amazing husband, he’s patient and kind, sweet and funny.  I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with.

So each year when Cullen’s birthday rolls around, I see it almost as much as an anniversary date for us as I do his birthday.

Happy Birthday Cullen, and happy 7 years since we first “met” anniversary.

I love you more today than yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will tomorrow.

Yesterday was Halloween, this has never been one of my most favorite of holidays even when I was a little kid. I’ve always been more of a chicken wing so the whole, lets get dressed up and go out in the dark and do and see and hear spooky things, yeah that never had much appeal to me.

It wasn’t until I met Cullen that I really started to appreciate Halloween. I still don’t like to be scared, I still don’t understand the rush of adrenaline one gets from someone jumping out at them with a chainsaw, but I do appreciate that it’s something that my husband absolutely loves and I get great joy just from that fact alone.

Since the day I met Cullen I’ve known about his love for the horror genre, so of course Halloween is going to be his favorite holiday. 

Cullen is such a kid when it comes to Halloween, probably as much as I am a kid at Christmas time. I love the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas and look forward to it each and every year. 

Cullen takes Halloween off work each year if he can. He has for the past few years anyway.  The past couple of years he’s taken great pride in decorating our yard for the evening of Trick or Treater’s. This year was no exception.  I had to work yesterday so Cullen had the whole day to relax and plan. I couldn’t wait to see what he had done with the yard when I got home from work.

As I pulled up the street to park my mouth dropped. I knew he’d do a great job with it and I was not disappointed.

It probably sounds very crazy for me to be proud of Cullen for this, but I am. This is something that Cullen truly enjoys and I love that he takes the time each year to enjoy this.  He’s so cute to watch.  He loves passing out candy to the kids, we both do.  I just enjoy seeing him interact with the kids so much. I think I love it so much because it gives me a glimpse into what he’s going to be like as a Dad. I can’t wait for Cullen to be a Dad, I have no doubt he’s going to make an awesome one.  I know I’ll be a good Mom too, but there’s no doubt in my mind that Katie will probably be a Daddy’s girl. How could she not be.  

Cullen makes everything in life fun, even the hard times are not so terrible because of Cullen.  Everyday I find a new reason to be thankful for having him as my husband. Halloween is no exception.

I’m sad that Cullen’s favorite holiday is so short lived, but, he’s already made mention that his display next year will be bigger and better.  So it gives me something to look forward too.

Although I’m not sure the neighbors will feel the same way.

I work for a very laid back office.  It’s a small, family owned moving company, been in business since 1904 and it’s being run into the ground operated by the 5th generation of the family. 

I’ve often described our office as the Bad News Bears of the local moving industry. 

Working for this company has a lot of perks, one of them being how lenient they are towards their employees and our work schedules. Meaning, we can take off whenever we need to, or leave early anytime we need to, without any trouble, even better, it’s without losing pay. However, I’m expected to be here for my full work shift everyday, including most days when I have to eat my lunch at my desk so that I can answer the phones while I’m eating lunch.  They’ve always counteracted this by telling me I will never have to clock in or out for lunch and can always take as long of a lunch as I want.  I’ve always known full well how lucky I’ve been to work here, I’m 10000% certain I will never find another place to work quite like this one. 

However, even though it has it’s perks, there are also it’s disadvantages. One of which being a girl who completely abuses the “system”.  I like to refer to her as sleeping beauty.

This girl has a work schedule of 8-4:30, just as I do. However, if she’s here by 9:00 am on any given day, it’s a miracle.  She also takes a nap everyday, thats right… a nap.  The women’s restroom consists of 2 rooms, one of which is almost like a lounge area, complete with a chaise lounge, which sleeping beauty has inhabited with her blanket and pillow.

This wouldn’t bother me except, she never works an 8 hour day, so she’s not really entitled to a lunch, much less an hour long lunch.  Yet I barely ever get a 30 min lunch undisturbed.

I might also add, sleeping beauty usually leaves work at least an hour early at least 2-3 times a week. 

I’m just tired of watching her come and go and really tired of her naps.

So Wednesday, we were having phone issues at work, she’s in charge of the phone maintainence, the phone guy was coming at lunchtime.  So, oh poor sleepy girl, she couldn’t take her nap. 

Well no fear, when the phone guy left at 3:00, she was taking her nap by 3:15. She came into my office to tell me she was laying down, I intentionally gave her a disgusted look, looked up at the clock and said, “Whatever”. 

So she takes her hour nap, gets up at 4:15 (I can hear her alarm cock from my office so I always know when she gets up) and low and behold, she’s leaving the office for the day at 4:20. 

I was fit to be tied.  She knew I was mad.

She tried speaking to me yesterday, I completely ignored her. 

She’s one of those people who loves to be nasty to others, but can’t stand it when someone is giving her attitude.

So she came in yesterday trying to be super friendly, usually I’ll take the bait and talk to her, and well then everything is swept under the carpet. Not this time. I completely ignored her.

Today, she comes in, same thing, she buzzes me in my office, “Hey Cindy, do you and Cullen watch Bones?”.  

“No”. 

“Oh ok bye.”

Then I walked into her office a little bit ago, we’d all been watching President Bush speak on tv and she had missed it. So she asked me, “What was Bush talking about?”

“The economy”. 

Walked out of the office.

It’s absolutely driving her crazy. 

I know this probably makes me a horrible person, but I am so loving this.

It’s nice knowing for a change, I’m getting to her.

I need to refill my water bottle.  I should hurry and do it now so I don’t disturb her during her nap.

Yeah right!

Throughout this weight loss process, I’ve tried to rejoice in any small victory I can find. Today I had one that I’m still excited about. 

It’s amazing, even at my heaviest, I found myself soothing my own ego by always telling myself, “Well Cindy, you may be fat, but you can still do this or that just like a thin person”. For awhile I believed that, until I started losing weight, then I started noticing all of the great things that I was experiencing that I hadn’t been able to for so long.  Getting up out of bed in the morning without having to push myself off the bed, getting in and out of the car without having to “lift” a leg or push myself in or out.  Rolling over in bed without feeling like a beached whale.  It’s the small things that I find myself enjoying these days. 

Today as I came back to my desk, I went to sit down in my chair, and, I crossed my legs indian style in my chair.  I was sitting like this for awhile before I even realized it.  Then when I did, I almost cried. I can’t even remember the last time I was able to sit like that in my chair.  For so long there was just too much Cindy to be able to sit that way.  I sat that way until my legs fell asleep. I just wanted to enjoy every second of it.

I find myself thinking about all the wonderful new “small victories” that I have to look forward too in the weeks and months to come. 

For now, I’m completely content with my latest discovery.